Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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