I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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