The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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