Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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