I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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