The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
