haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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