How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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