The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
