Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
