On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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