Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
