Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
