Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I currently don't understand fingers.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
