my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
