oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
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I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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