the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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