i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
