Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
