and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
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Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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