Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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