I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
