I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
