omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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