Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
