I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
