I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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