Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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