I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
