Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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