I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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