I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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