i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize