Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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