Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
