I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
