y did u give ur computer a hand job?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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