Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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