it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
