I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
