Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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