Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
