dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
