dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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