I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
