hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
