mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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