so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
