my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
