Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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