it wasn't lemon gatorade
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You're a waste of cheezeits
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
