the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
