Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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