Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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