I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
