I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
