I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
