I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
do nipples grow back?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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