I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
